Highlight of the World Cup so far, besides all the marvellous football obviously, is the referee’s magic can of foam. Normally solely employed by toddlers in the bath, it’s absolutely brilliant/daft that it has appeared on the professional footie field.

The two very best things about the foam are: 1) It comes out of a HOLSTER on the ref’s belt! How ace is that? Who wouldn’t want one?! And 2) The way the players behave towards the foam – all ‘get off my blue suede shoes’ when the ref ‘accidentally’ squirts a blob on their très expensive boots when drawing a 10-yard line. Take that, Ronaldo, you poseur!

The ref’s foam has inspired me to nick my daughter’s crazy foam from the bathroom. I’ll be using it in Oxford to corral all those unruly foreign visitors into forming proper British queues this summer. Yee-haw! (Sorry, gone a bit sheriff, it’s the holster effect.) My other current fave World Cup-related story concerns a guy called Brooke Conroy from Essex who has a WAG phobia. No, I didn’t dream this, I read it in The Sun, so it must be true.

Poor Brooke feels wobbly and sick when he spots fake-looking ladies. “I am dreading watching the World Cup,” Brooke wibbled to the paper. “I’m scared of seeing all the wags in the stands.”

Apparently his worst nightmare is Frank Lampard’s missus Christine Bleakley, as she is just too orange and “shiny”. And we do see what he means. So be warned, next time Dancing on Ice is on, keep the anti-histamines close by.

Who didn’t love watching the 5-1 thumping that the Dutch gave smug title-holders Spain? It reminded me of popular telly prog, Game of Thrones – all conquering tribes, muscular beefcake and cocky short-arses giving it loads of swagger. I’d like to see more GoT input into the whole tournament for entertainment’s sake: out goes commentator Phil Neville (the most boring man in the world: true fact) and in comes the show’s cunning dwarf Tyrion Lannister. He’d be great and could administer his warped justice to the losing side: “Casillas [the Spanish goalie] you have let in five goals, Van Persie [Dutch goal-scorer] may now squire your mother and your WAG.”

Back to the foam. I’d like to see the referees getting more creative with it. A sad face squiggled on the pitch if a player commits a minor foul, or an arrow pointing to the bench and an angry face instead of a red card. Or if a player’s been a bit of a plonker... well use your imagination.